Whimsical Takeaways From the Iowa Democratic Caucus
Originally published on scadconnector.com.
The Iowa caucus, some say, has always set the tone for the cycle’s party nominations and Presidential election. Well, if the Democratic Party were to learn anything from the last Iowa caucus, it’s how to mix things up a little. You know, for fun. Here are some suggestions:
Bingo in New Hampshire: First candidate to get five straight lines of precincts won gets ALL of the delegates, provided they shout it aloud first. Might give Bernie Sanders an unfair advantage.
Hitting the jackpot in Nevada: Voters pull the lever to see which three candidates they would be voting for. The payout for three Elizabeth Warrens: two cents taken from a random billionaire’s $1. Now go add that to your kids’ college fund, because free college probably isn’t happening.
Crawfish eating contest in South Carolina: Eleven seats at a long table while spectators cheer on and take bets-slash-votes. Joe Biden disposes of his knife and fork when he sees Bernie Sanders and Tom Steyer gaining ground. Sanders, sure, but Steyer!
Apple-shooting in Washington: Half the delegates are assigned by votes, while the other half wait with apples on their heads while candidates take their bows and aim. Michael Bloomberg assures the breathless crowd that his years as a businessman have made him an excellent archer, citing various foreign CEOs while a big screen plays stock footage of handshakes.
Hippie “Pyramid” word-guess in California: The points earned correspond to the number of delegates. All are wary of Pete Buttigieg. Biden tries to balance the scales by demanding Barack Obama be his celebrity partner.
Scaling Trump Tower in New York: The higher you are, the more delegates you get. Better bet on Bernie, because he’s going to get that top 1 percent!
Surprise democratic process at the National Convention: Surprise! The people’s votes actually get counted for once!
