A Guide to Humble Living

Illustration by Kate Soyuznova

Originally published in SCAN Magazine, Spring 2020 issue. Also available at scadscan.com.

Namaste, class. Normally I would say good morning but since time is entirely a social construct born out of our restrictive minds and materialistic anxiety, I feel more fulfilled by a simple greeting from our souls.

We are here stranded in the wilderness in a downtown Los Angeles park because life is hard. Through no fault of our own, the world has made us horrible people made of hollow shells and balls of rage, not unlike a gas station taco. But to that we say, no more! Because today we will be transformed and reborn. I, myself, am proof of its success, since I took the class five times before I became an instructor two weeks ago — best $3,000 I’ve ever spent of my parents’ money when they told me I had to get a job or I’d be kicked out.

I’ve brought a wondrous creature who will serve as our wolfish spiritual guidance: A shiba inu named Tinkle (I couldn’t get a license for a wolf and I read online that shiba inus and wolves are like, really close). Now, class, please form a circle around Tinkle and me, close your eyes and breathe.

In the vast darkness of your mind, summon Tinkle’s squishy face. Let him guide you to the distant past. That time in kindergarten when you wanted another kid’s toy but he was unwilling to trade you for it, so you stole it and in turn, he shoved you into the sandbox. What was that? No, Caren, it doesn’t matter if you were homeschooled. The point is, class, it was the first time the world was violent to you. Breathe, imagine you’re Tinkle and say to the boy, “I forgive you.”

Now, as young millennials living in the city of angels, I know we’re all in crippling debt. Your student loans to that private college, the four zeros on your credit card statement, it’s pressing on your shoulders and your chest. I want you to take another deep breath, imagine grabbing that block of pressure with your hands and lifting it off you.

You are now free of outside nonsense, like money or the current political climate. Let the spirit of Tinkle guide you to observe the space within yourself — inside that temple, that palace, that ziggurat! Look into the eyes of the spirit of Tinkle and make a vow to make our Goddess Gwyneth Paltrow (ICYMI, the inventor of veganism) proud.

Now move close to Tinkle and reach out to him. Caren, what was that? You’re allergic to dogs? You know, you have been very disruptive. Do you want to be reborn or not? Alright, touch the dog, then!

And breathe, class, look further within you, for your soul is troubled — by your father, who did not care enough, and also forgive your mother and your grandmother so they’ll write you back in the will. Forgive everyone, in fact, because when you’re reborn you’re going to be better than them anyway. Namaste, class. You can Venmo or Cash App me @tru_soul_guru.